I will never live up to anyone's expectations, nor should I try to. At the same time, I should try to rush headlong into a situation that scares me. I'm strong for doing one thing, weak for doing the same thing a year later. The problem is me. The problem is her. The problem is them.

The problem is I'm confused.

Randi came up again in casual conversation with G and B. It was finally decided by them that it was time to ask her out, because they were sick of me talking about how much I liked her. I doubt I spoke about her anymore than I did anyone else, but whatever.

It was a deja vu case from two years ago, when the three of us headed to the same grocery store, picked out a Tweety bird holding a bag of candy, wrote the corniest note in the world on the back of the cover of a notebook and drove to her house. Being scared, I waited in the car while the two of them walked up to the house and gave her the present.

I later found out she was dating a friend. A very good friend. We haven't spoke since.

Today we headed to the store, where they wanted me to buy her a rose, a teddy bear and something else. I was then to walk up to her house, ask for her, give her the items, and ask her out.

If only it were that easy.

I'm scared to ask out a girl. Terrified. So much so, that I know that every person I'll end up dating will have to have a crush on me, as I'll be too afraid to tell them. I have in the past, twice. One of the girls stopped speaking to me when I told her of my crush, the other was too afraid to approach anything other than a friendship. That's another story entirely.

They knew I'd be afraid. They knew that anything they said would be in vain. They knew reverse psychology would not work. By saying what was true like I was scared, I'd never meet anyone this way, and that this situation was hopeless, they were only making me feel smaller.

After making it worse by shouting in the parking lot that I was scared, we headed home where my sister tried to talk some sense into me.

"Jason, you have nothing to lose if you know she's going to say yes."

My problem, and I'm serious about this, is that if a girl I adored stood right in front of me and told me that all I had to say was 'will you go out with me' and she would, I wouldn't be able to say it. That's not psychological. That came from putting too much on the line emotionally with the two mentioned above, namely Angie and T.E.N.T.

It's been a year to the day since T.E.N.T. and I were supposed to go to a movie together, and she cancelled at the last second. This was one of the last straws. She knew I liked her at this point, and since the day I told her, our friendship has changed.

They think they're helping. They usually have the best of intentions, but everything they say comes out wrong. Saying that I had made no progress since I asked Tweety two years ago is a lie. Since then, I asked quite a few people to dances without their help.

I'm not ashamed to say that I nearly cried for the first time in over a year over this psychological tug-o-war I'm engaged in nearly every day of my life.

Bad thoughts went through my head, and are continuing to. I'm stronger than that. It's time for the old Jason to reimerge, and put this new facade behind him.

Jason

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