May's theme:If you want to/I can save you" I can take you away from here A Separate Lid Behind Closed Eyes

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Jason recommends the album, The Spirit Room by Michelle Branch

Creatively Maneuvering Dates - May 10, 2022
This diary is old enough to imbibe! - April 04, 2022
62 days of exposition. - April 02, 2022
New job, new reflections, same old overanalysis - January 29, 2022
A Change Will Do You Good - January 11, 2022

April 02, 2022 // 3:18 p.m. // 62 days of exposition.

On my last trip through this box, I'd mentioned I'd be starting a new job and the latest on the crush. So much has changed.

On the job front, I'm settling in by now. I'm part of a behavior team with the administrative staff, I've been building a rapport with various students (that finally came when I began to bring jump ropes outside) and am doing daily observations in some classes. I'm slowly getting to know more staff, more kids and am getting out of my office more frequently.

As for the crush, so much has happened. I talked with her at least twice about the possibility of doing something for my birthday at the January show, and in early February, reached out to make sure she was still interested. After getting no response, I messaged her four days later. After still not receiving a response, I messaged her three days after that (a week before we were supposed to do something) to see if she was doing okay. She replied a few days later stating that she was having a rough time and to say that when she gets that way, she stops responding to texts and calls. The only way I had an inkling that she was okay was that I saw she changed her profile photo the day before I sent the second text about the plans. I figured when she mentioned the rough time she was having that nothing was going to happen for my birthday, so I made alternate plans and went to see my friend (and old bandmate) play, and spent until nearly 3:30 in the morning at her studio talking with her and her friends. I had really wanted to spend that big birthday with her, and knowing she wasn't completely isolated (spending time with her best friend and brother the weekend before, with her soon-to-be-ex-husband the week after for his birthday) shows where our friendship is.

There's a lot more that I've reserved for my paper journal. There's the fact that I started getting major 'she's flirting with me' vibes after the February show and texted her about it, only to get a , 'if I did, it wasn't intentional. I'm just naturally flirty' reply and the fact that I doubled down and told her I had a crush on her on the night after I hung out with her at her brother's house. That led to no reply, leading me to going off on a bender that involved signing up for a dating app and creating a profile. That situation is still in limbo, because when we hung out the weekend after I told her, I had to muster even more courage to ask her about the situation in person. This led to a brief interaction (scheduled to leave an hour or so after I started talking about it) where she told me she was surprised, proud of me for telling her and that she was processing it, but no actual words left her lips about how she feels about it. I told her telling her was more because I needed her to know, than to receive an answer, but really, not having an answer either way has been awful. That was supposed to be resolved on the 12th, but after telling her I'd like to resume the conversation in the 13th, it never happened. When she messaged me about a joke I left in her cash box on the 15th, I told her she could repay me by finishing that conversation. She said she preferred in person to the phone, but then failed to work with me on making time. On Wednesday I reluctantly messaged her because I was at a basketball game (all while talking to my sister about a friendship she has that mirrors mine) but on Saint Patrick's Day, I provided one last meek attempt to get together before she went out of town on her trip, only to receive a, "I'll see if I have time this weekend" message back. It's clear that she doesn't value this friendship or how hard this has been on me. Weeks ago, I started dismantling this crush that I have on her, assuming based on her actions that she isn't interested. We were supposed to be hanging out right now, but she's been sick since she got back from vacation and her dad canceled his tables, so assuming she doesn't reach out to hang out in the month between now and the next show.

As of now, I don't want to discuss the crush. I want to leave that in the past and not uncover it unless she brings it up (maybe not even then) or until I've 'healed' from it. I don't want to be flirty. I don't want to give her something that she doesn't feel for me. I don't want to be anything other than friends. Not that I see this changing anytime soon, but she's been giving me no signs that she's interested in me romantically, so I want to move past those feelings.

Perhaps if I wrote here more than once every two months, there wouldn't be so much to drop in an entry, but as it is, here we are.

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