July 05, 2002 // 9:53 a.m. // Old feelings revisited

A conversation. Yesterday. With someone.

"So you actually relapsed and had feelings for T.E.N.T.?"

"Yeah. isn't it the weirdest thing?"

"I'd say. Remember at the cast party when she--"

"I remember that all too well. And despite that, I somehow wanted her."

"Why?"

"It was love, and the closest I've had to love at first sight. She's the only girl I was ever able to envision marrying."

"You know it'd never work, right?"

"Right. Because she's a devout Mormon going to a LDS school, and I don't care much for religion."

"I was thinking more along the lines of her being a super bitch, but that works too."

"Well, she played the oblivious to it all role. She does it so well."

"When did you know it was love?"

"The week she cut her hair. The week she changed. The night she spoke the longest monologue of her life. At the 8th South railroad tracks. She was in the middle of some 20 minute boring ramble. I knew."

"Wow. I remember that night. You knew?"

"Yes, and I spent the rest of the night in awe of her. And I know cancelling prom plans only made things worse. But my god, she asked me the day before the dance."

"Do you wish you could have gone?"

"More than anything."

The odd thing to me was everyone from her family to my friends to random people at school were able to see how deeply I felt about her. That surprises me. I didn't even know I was showing it, but they all saw it. She didn't acknowledge it in any way. She just played dumb, and left me to wonder.

Why the sudden thought of her? I don't know. Maybe it was sparked by looking for a photo of her earlier this week. I didn't realize I had so many. Some of them school photos. Some from the dance. Many more are random shots from the weekends we'd hang out. I'm just a few seconds from posting a photo of her here. I have three scanned in to use. But I'm really weird about posting photos in here. I always feel like I should be asking permission or something. But I'm thinking that sooner rather than later I'll put them up. Maybe when I go into greater detail on the T.E.N.T. saga.

But to go back on the letter I left on her porch that was passed amongst every member of her family that apparently made her cry on her hectic and very tragic Christmas vacation won't happen anytime soon. Some people thought it was karma. I just think of it as the final straw.

I'd tell the story, but I still can't tell it. Not without drafting it out clearly, at least. My guess is it's all of the Anna Waronker and Boyish Charms I've been listening to lately. But I'm drafting it out now. Not in my head this time, but on paper. Because I always know just what I want to say, just not how to say it.

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