Note: This is long. Too long for me to proof read before posting. Therefore, I don't blame you if you aren't able to make it through.

If one thing can be used to partially define me this year, it's "thrift store." Ever since I found a used Nintendo and a 2006 Utah calendar at Deseret Industries in February, I've been making multiple trips a week to at least two thrift stores.

That's where I found myself yesterday at the beginning of my adventure. This week, the 800 South 700 West D.I. has 50% off everything except for collectables and new items. I'm telling you locals, go now.

Yesterday's trip led me to buying one of my favorite items I've ever seen: a 76 key Casio keyboard. Sure, I've found plenty of great keyboards at the D.I. over the past year, but this is the closest to a full sized professional sounding 88 key keyboard that I've found. Despite its huge size (and it is huge. And heavy) I have no doubt that I'm going to have a lot of fun with this in 2007. It's also fairly new. I believe they were made in 2000/2001. The best part of all was it was just $12.50 after the discount. Granted, it didn't have a power plug, but as it turns out, the plug from my older keyboard also works with this one.

Ok, in typical fashion I have no clue why I mentioned all of that. Maybe it was to set up what happened next? It also leads to the title of the blog, "Dog Bites Man."

I pulled up at my house after shopping, and noticed the neighbors dogs across the street. They've never given me any reason to worry about them, but I didn't have a very good feeling about this time. I also have a bit of a fear of dogs in general, which made me even more nervous.

After evaluating the situation, I finally decided to exit my car. I recalled everything I was told as a kid when it came to dogs (don't make direct eye contact, act like they aren't there, etc) and figured all I'd encounter was some annoying barking.

I was wrong.

By the time I had walked to the front of my car, the two dogs had charged to my side of the street. Seeing two large dogs charging at me made me abandon all of the rules. I began to run.

I threw my jacket off, raced down the sidewalk for ten feet, and tried to lose them by making a quick turn into the street as I circled around the front of my dad's car.

No luck.

I made another quick turn around the back of the car and back onto the sidewalk. At this point, not only did I almost slip, but I was in the same spot that I had thrown off my jacket and where I had started to run. I was also at the entrance to our gate.

As a sidenote, everyone who has talked to me afterward has asked me, "why didn't you run into the gate?" First of all, the dogs were so close behind me that had I kicked up my heels while I was running, I'd have surely kicked them in the face. I'm guessing they were no more than six inches behind me and opening the gate would have only accomplished letting them into my yard. Second of all, I'm nearly running for my life from two large barking dogs and I don't have a lot of time to think.

What did I do instead of run into the gate? I almost hopped over the fence. At this point I was thinking, however. I decided that jumping over a chain link fence that I was running parallel to would not be smart. It would require me to not only slow down in order to be standing in front of the fence, but to stop in order to climb it.

It was then that I came up with my plan. I decided to run into our driveway. This would allow me the best chance at jumping over the fence, because I would be running straight at it and if I were able to get a large enough jump onto the fence, it'd mean I wouldn't have to climb at all. I figured it was my best bet, as running into the backyard wouldn't have been any safer for me.

Everything was going well until I began to climb by putting my left foot on my fence. Not only was it lower on the fence than I had anticipated (I was tired from running to attempt any kind of a leap or jump) but I had forgot how difficult climbing a chain link fence can be with size 14 shoes. This obviously wasn't a problem when I was ten and climbing that same fence for fun. Fifteen years later, my feet are simply too big to fit in the fence.

Needless to say, this slowed me down significantly. It also led to the dog biting me on my left calf.

I made it over the fence, hobbled into the house, and was asked what was wrong. When I mentioned that the dogs had bit me, my parents asked to look at it and went into 'parent mode' by calling the police and animal control. I really didn't want anyone called, partially because our neighbors are crazy and I worried about some kind of retalliation if they found out it was us. They're nuts. They showed up in City Weekly's police blotter thing after my dad called on the son for attacking his sister with a snow shovel.

I really didn't want to look, but when my mom had a difficult time taking the picture, I saw it for myself: three small vampire-like puncture marks, and a giant 1 1/2" long slash. It was also bleeding.

Fast forward fifteen minutes. Animal control has been called, the dogs have come back home and are now threatening my dad, who is standing in the yard. Unfortunately, the gate that I couldn't enter before due to it being closed is now open, and one of the dogs took this chance to run inside. We also ran inside. Quickly.

Animal control finally arrives, and she loads the dogs up. She knocks on the owner's door three times, which is wide open, despite the screen door being closed. As I'm filling out the papers, the bus drops off our neighbor's son, (who is probably about my age) and he comes over to our house asking what's going on.

His story? He had taken the bus to the store and wasn't sure how they got out. I resisted the urge to say, "gee, do you think leaving your front door open caused it?" He's shown the bite, told by the animal control woman that, "those dogs are mean, dude" and responds by saying that it's just eleven months old and that "his idea of playing isn't everyone's idea of playing." He's told that he'll be dealt with after she's done with us.

If there's one bright spot, it's that the animal control woman was really cool. She saw the Knitting & Crocheting For Dummies book that my mom had and mentioned that she really needed one of those. She was also entertaining while we were watching Barack Obama on Oprah. She told us more about her job and what she does, and what the owners of the dogs that bit me were looking at when it came to fines: two counts of a number of things from no ID tags to having dogs roaming the streets.

Right now I wish I had webhosting, because I'd love to post a pictoral history of all of this. You should really see these dogs. And that awesome keyboard, which almost made that nasty dog bite worth it.

Almost.

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