November's/December's theme:"We diverge and I collapse into my bed/And you are shoved awkwardly into my head" A Separate Lid Behind Closed Eyes

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Jason recommends the album, American Weekend by Waxahatchee

Extra doses and double shots - December 13, 2021
Half a life ago - December 12, 2021
Buggy - November 27, 2021
When We Two Parted - November 25, 2021
Catfish - November 22, 2021

April 01, 2004 // 8:22 p.m. // RACked witH insanity

I'm quite puzzled by something, but I think some back story is in order.

I had a reader a few years ago, a local, that was quite instrumental in allowing me to process things that I was going through. She was always there for me, whether it was email or even a phone call. She stopped writing in her diary, it disappeared from d-land and as far as I know, so did she.

I think I abused our friendship by talking too much about my problems and never listening to hers. I realized this at the time. It's just that she was *so perfect* when it came to helping me with things. She's the only person I've felt that comfortable with and the only person who handles my problems the same way I handle those of others. In fact, she's the only person who could ask me what's wrong at this very second or at any random time and get an honest answer.

So anyway, we had planned to meet on an afternoon when I had a class cancelled. We did, went to lunch and talked some more. She called and emailed as soon as I got home and told me not to mention the meeting in my diary, because she had a jealous fiance that as far as he knew, all we were doing was meeting. I obliged, and never mentioned it.

Now, I don't know what bothers me most. The fact that she lied to her fiance about a totally innocent meeting, that after this day, she stopped returning my emails, messages and left d-land completely, the fact that I consumed so much of this friendship with my issues with various things, or the fact that the diary, despite not being updated in more than 18 months, keeps moving up on my "these people list you as a favorites." If you don't know how the list works, if someone changes their profile in any way, they move further up on your list. Maybe the last one is a "diaryland malfunction" but it seems to be happening a lot lately. One person I know cannot add me to her favorites period, and for some reason, Andrew can't answer my requests more than six months after I sent them.

There's always the possibility that someone else got to her. There are two other people--wait, three other people who stopped talking to me or talked to me less around this time. This came just a few months after I had drama with two other people who have it in their hearts and powers to ruin me if they want.

I guess above all, I'm just sad and disappointed and irritated all at the same time that a good friend decided to ditch me for no reason, but her memory lingers on with that damn favorites thing telling me "people who have updated their profile recently are nearer to the top" when she apparently hasn't used the diary in a year and a half. I mean, how are you second from the top when you haven't updated since Sept of 2002?

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