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September 15, 2002 // 9:13 a.m. // Just a dream. Just an ordinary dream
Before I get to my weekend later today, I had to get this out of the way. Anyone who has been watching MTV this weekend knows that as is tradition for them, they're running past Real World seasons in preparation for the new season. I woke up this morning at about 4:20, and caught a few minutes of one of the reunion shows. I recalled that the New Orleans season was to begin in about ten minutes after remembering seeing the TV schedule earlier that day. I promptly fell back asleep and had a dream I've thought about all morning. What does this have to do with the dream? The girl who I had the dream about was T.E.N.T. and to quote Skee-Lo's "I Wish", "I see her all the time everywhere I go, and even in my dreams I can scheme a way to make her mine." It was the first dream that I've had about her for a while. I can't even recall details right now, but I do remember that it hurt and in it, she hurt me. There was something about driving and leaving and it made me feel the same way as when she were here. Ok, Jason. What does that have to do with MTV? As near as I can tell, I began dreaming about her when MTV began running the Real World New Orleans season. Cast member Julie is very similar to T.E.N.T. Extremely similar. I watch Julie and see so much of T.E.N.T. in her. Both lived such sheltered lives. Both weren't exposed to the diversity that even Utah can bring. Both have been caught saying things that are so wrong in hindsight, but that they saw nothing wrong with. They're one in the same. I'm not a big fan of the dreams or thoughts that I have about her, because it always get same thinking. I know for a fact that I could never get closure with her, and a conversation with her could be volatile and not fun. I also know that she was the first girl I ever loved, and that the feelings I had with her have never been matched. I'm far too forgiving. I couldn't forgive her, but I could be willing to listen to her side of the story. Suddenly, I'm seeing signs of her everywhere this weekend. I guess where I'm at now is thinking about just how mixed my thinking is. I can't comprehend, let alone grasp what I want. I just want to forgive. I just want to resolve it all. I just want to tell her what she never heard directly from me. She has to know what she did was wrong. And as volatile as it could be, I have to tell her.