April 04, 2002 // 2:38 p.m. // C.
-That Dog "Long Island" Um...So let me get this straight, right? It's my diary, correct? I'm free to say whatever I want even at the risk of hurting someone I care about, right? This is the entry I have to write. That I never wanted to write. The entry that hurts the most. And it took exactly one year after I signed up for my diary to say it. Here we go... Last night, I had planned to go to Take 5 (5 student written, acted and produced one act plays) at my alma matter, when I got involved in a IM with a crush. At this time, all it was was a crush. Time ticked by, but I couldn't leave. The girl I was conversing with was drawing me closer. She was telling me things about her life that intrigued me. Personal stuff. The "now that you're in the know, don't tell anyone" secrets. I've crushed on this girl (who reads my journal) for quite a while and I can't put my finger on exactly why. We know each other's writing more than we know each other. I did my share of sharing, but for the most part, I did what I always do. Shut up and listen. I wanted to get to know her better. I wanted to elevate her, a habit that needs to stop. I did it to Julie (JM) and I did it a hell of a lot of times with T.E.N.T. It's a major character flaw. So I'm sharing, and she's sharing, and suddenly I break out in a paragraph about me always being the listener, rather than the speaker and needing someone to listen. It was clear. I said multiple times that I just needed someone to listen to me. And here's where I think I may hurt this person. My exact words were, "I also think I need to transform myself from listener to the one to pour my heart out. Every conversation is the other person telling me this or that with me carefully taking in every word, responding back with a vulnerable story about myself, and receiving a response pertaining to them and starting the cycle all over again. I have feelings too. Thus, the birth of apexsensation, and possibly a more emotive spinoff." From this point in our IM on, this is what I feel happened. It had happened before. I'd read her response carefully, and respond appropriately. I didn't feel I received the same consideration, that's all. Either that, or I'd give an emotional snapshot from my life, and she wouldn't respond to it. She'd instead go into a story about her, and I'd carefully respond. The cycle continued to the point where I started telling her things just to see if the subject would be changed. She responded with the above that I needed to talk. But I had been talking with her. And she had just proven me right by not responding to subsequent comments. Maybe she didn't realize it. So I respond to her with, "and I don't know why I'm always the listener. I guess I expected a greater reward than I'm receiving." When I said that line, I was referring to the very conversation we were having. Not my life in general. And what is the next line? A line where she revealed something very personal to her. I'm glad she told me, but what I honestly needed with her next response was an ear to hear me at that moment. So I tiptoe into the spotlight and respond with, "I've cried three times in the past four years. All three times were over crushes that were more than just crushes who devastated me by, in not so many words, saying they weren't interested. I threw it out there and they just asked if so and so would be perfect for them." I've now gone on the limb with stuff I've never shared three straight times. My raw emotions. She responded with, "I hate repeating myself, but you just have to learn to talk....and get rid of things." What have I just done three straight times? I've shared with you! Granted, you were saying this to apply to life and not this IM, but I've been sharing for hours! My next line to her began, "see, this is what I mean." I remember composing that more than any other line on the IM. The line referred to me sharing and sharing and getting only short, unsatisfying responses, like, "is it?" and "me too." This part is for her. I thank you for spending six hours with me, but I wish you would have realized how much I was pouring myself out to you, and how little of a response I felt I was getting back. It was all too much like my last day with Angie. Not just the not receiving a response to something I felt justified a response, but I found myself crushing over you, complimenting everything about you wanting to find out about you, and I felt the whole thing would have gone just as well had I not said many of the things I did. Maybe I thought that some of the compliments would mean more to you than you showed. I can honestly tell you even when you joked about crushing on me I was blushing. Maybe it's because you have the positive self-image (I'm drawing this from past entries) or that you've been told you're cute your whole life. I don't know. It was just weird. Lots of deja vu. Part of it's my own issues with you being "unattainable." Because you're 1,500 miles away, or too talented for your own good, or are involved in a love triangle with three guys who have fallen for you and I'm barely seen as one of them. I leave the rest of the transcript of the IM unchanged, (except for the name) to show you where my issues began to came out. You'll even see some examples of what I was referring to. ************: I hear I'm one of those total package girls: smart, funny, hot. I don't buy the last part, but the other two, I do. apexsensation: Don't be silly. I saw your pictures. You're definitely hot. Hot hot, hot. You're the type of girl who I never looked twice at in high school because she was too unattainable. ************: And there it is. My favorite word to describe me: unattainable. lol ************: Why do guys always think that? apexsensation: It's just some guys. The guys who have been burned, justified or otherwise by the most attractive girls. We hold you on a pedestal and sometimes we feel like we've been kicked in the face. My crushes have always been attractive. But the girls I admired from afar were hot, sexy, whatever you want to call them. ************: I always hated being the unattainable girl. ************: Always. apexsensation: Being smart can scare people off. Being homecoming queen or whatever can scare people off. Sometimes it's a social position. It's scared me off from the governor's daughter who was very attractive at best. But we all liked her. And guess who got her? Popular football players. Part of it is, in our minds, we feel the story should end like Pretty In Pink. With the drama geek with the big crush falling for the popular girl, but the popular girl turning her back and grabbing Johnny Football and walking off into the sunset. apexsensation: It's the reality, not the exception. ************: I suppose I can see that. ************: I never wanted the football player types...I always wanted the cute AV boys ************: I suppose so apexsensation: Perhaps others do to, but we never know this. We're just told culturally (to apply it to me) that the creative writing student doesn't get the hot journalism student even if their interest are the same. ************: I suppose so. And that's so backwards apexsensation: My Senior Prom, I went all out. I was going to ask T.E.N.T., (Thora) the girl who I imagined going to prom with for years, got undercut, asked the journalism student, was rejected, asked the school hottie, rejected. I had to "settle" for my date Kristie who proved this theory was all wrong. Her older sister was one of the popular ones, but she was the best date and always said hi to me after that. This after asking her six days before the biggest dance of the year. apexsensation: We come back to a double standard of sorts. ************: How so? apexsensation: It seems more acceptable for a popular person to ask someone less popular (or attractive or whatever you want to use) but the other way around is not as accepted. ************ signed off at 11:49:37 PM. ************ signed on at 11:49:43 PM. ************: Ugh. Storm is coming and I'd better shut this down... apexsensation: I'll leave you with this: I think another thing, that as I sit here thinking that scares me about my crush on a girl in my Sociology class is that she reminds me of you. Almost as beautiful, probably as smart, and at least as funny. I don't want to crush on someone seeing them through someone else. ************: I can see why you wouldn't want to do that... ************: It isn't fair to them and if you're seeing them through someone else, you aren't seeing them at all, really apexsensation: By definition a crush must hurt. And they do. ************: That they do. ************: We going to do this again? apexsensation: Maybe subliminally it's why I call my diary A separate lid behind closed eyes. Yes. We shall ************: Perhaps so. ************: Good. I look forward to it. ************: Goodnight, dear apexsensation: Goodnight C. Hope you understand, C. It's nothing personal. Just issues. Jas Last time on Apexsensatin : Now on Apex : Apex Archives : Next time on Apexsensatin"By definition a crush must hurt
And they do, and they do
Just like the one I have on you"