April 11, 2002 // 10:18 p.m. // Feelin' it again

For the second time in a week, I want to just call the whole Diaryland thing off. No elaborate reasons this time. Just simple things.

I've lost faith in the whole online diary thing. It's just not doing it for me for some reason.

I'm feeling jealous. About everything and everyone. To Britt and Miles for having the happiness I want, to everyone who has access to access to a car.

I've been crushing and pining something terrible. I've been crushing on the girls where I'm fourth of fifth in line. The ones who get all of the attention in class from the cool boys, the boys that'll hurt her in the end. The girls who want me to compete for them. The girls who are nice to look at but have no substance.

I'm barely myself anymore, even after hanging out with and talking with a lot of old friends recently.

I've been stressing out over school.

My paper journal is quickly becoming a nice refuge lately. I'm feeling I'm telling the same old story. I'm feeling no matter how many times I crush, it's hopeless because society has these preset laws as to who should be with who and they're impossible to break.

I'm divided between a beautiful city and a smoggy community.

I'm divided on what Cardigans song describes my mood best. Higher, After All, or Heartbreaker.

It's not fun to feel this way. And it happens every spring. I have no clue what it is. I don't like pulling this whole thing every week, but it's how I've been feeling. I'm surprised I even came back last time.

Let's let this pass and see if I don't change my mind again.

Jas

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