Twenty-one years ago, I sat down (possibly at this same spot) and composed my first ever entry here. It was about a crush (which was a theme of the first few years of this diary, who I gave a nickname to (a continued theme of the diary) that I only mentioned five times in the first five or so months of writing here, but I remember what I wrote about in that first entry.

Where do things sit now with crushes? I essentially kept them low key throughout the last decade. I had one on Victoria (hey, no alias!) throughout 2012, but that was my last major one. There were the occasional crushes on coworkers over the last ten years, but nothing worth adding additional words to.

My current one (and truly only one) was touched upon in more detail in the last entry. In short, I'm trying to process it in a different way, which for me means dismantling it and packing it away, because it's the only way I can handle it myself without input from the other party. Despite the, "I was going to suggest we get together this weekend, but I'm sick right now" text she through out, I really don't think she's going to go out of her way to add me to her busy schedule or rotation like that, and it'll in all likelihood be the last weekend of the month before we talk about it. It's been 28 days since I told her, and I've already been working at reducing my conversations I initiate, reducing the crush and writing about it. I'd like to hope in another 24 days when we'll probably next see each other again, I'll be so far beyond this that it will be easy to tell her (in short) that though I understand her processing this, it could have been handled better on her part, and it has led me to not want to feel the same way because of how one-sided this friendship has been.

I hope I stick to this, because I could just as easily turn into a puddle of mush at the end of the month and cave.

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