May 26, 2002 // 8:10 a.m. // Clueless
I can't even begin to tell you how bad I want to tell you all that's going on, and since I'm only rarely paper journaling, it all stays in my head. I was up late last night. Worrying. My stomach in knots. Waiting for answers. Supporting someone. Exhausted, I went to bed not knowing. I still do not know. Vague. Because I can't throw it all out there, even though everyone else seems to be able to. I feel censored, even trapped in my own online diary. It's not getting any easier. I made a major mistake last night. Two of them. Wait three. After having one of the most amazing days, I singlehandedly burned three bridges in a period of about ten minutes. I hurt people without thinking. I worried about it. And then, after tearing myself apart, I felt guilty because I went to bed with thoughts of how last night was supposed to go. How it could have gone. At this point, I could let out the whole story. I need to. G is in India. B is likely hanging out with the weekend crew without telling me. Fine by me. Sometimes, I need a break. But the story coming out...that's a must. I could call Britt. In fact, I really should. Whether I tell her this or not. But I wouldn't have a clue where to begin. I truly need a tape recorder walk. The neighborhood is quiet, the temperature is cool, a few sprinklers are on, and very few people are outside. I should take it now. But I likely won't do it until later. Still too many unanswered questions. And by now, I'm rambling. I have not one original thought. I worry too much. And I can't help but think that there is a before and an after following last night. I was selfish, am still feeling that way, so with that, I retire to my room, hoping to lose myself in past conversations, letters and a ton of music. Oh yeah. I need a distraction. I could really use more of those guest entries. Jason Last time on Apexsensatin : Now on Apex : Apex Archives : Next time on ApexsensatinI don't know what to say other than all of what I put down here is true, but it's often only half the story. There are reasons I keep the other half to myself. It's because I have to. To protect people. To avoid internet drama as we call it.