What's difficult.

Throwing what you want to say out to the rest of the world is difficult. Discussing pain, that I have no clue how to manifest into text is difficult. Even explaining to your friends why you can't go out to eat because you're instant messaging one of your friends because you worry if it won't be the last time you ever talk to her.

Claiborne went in for heart surgery. She's known for a while that she needed it done. But something complicated this. She's also is battling cancer. How fair is that?

Although it's a simple outpatient operation, she scared me (and everyone else) by telling us what may be potential complications.

I've been glued to my screen all day. The Diaryland buddy list has always been on the screen, being refreshed every few minutes after noon. I had no idea how long her surgery would be. I had no general timeline. I've been worrying all day.

I click refresh. 21 hours clicks over to 22 on the bluering diary.

Fuck.

Why hasn't he updated for her? Is it because of bad news?

1:35. Still no update. Worried. Reading her emails, past chat transcripts. Her diary.

1:40. No change. I realize it's 2:40 where she lives. It's well into the afternoon. She was supposed to be home by the afternoon.

1:45. And it reads that it's been updated. The first line I read...'"Oh my god. Oh fuck. I can feel that there guys." Claiborne's last words before passing out.'

All I read was until the part about last words. Last words. I didn't read the rest. I stopped at last words. When I finally had the nerve to look up again, I read that she was fine, but the surgery was taking a little longer than expected.

Last words. Now if that doesn't scare you, nothing will.

And again, I'm glued to the screen. Watching that update turn from two hours to three. Clicking the refresh button every five minutes or less. Frustrated at the lack of info. Thinking the worst. Letting my mind run wild. Tensing up like there's no tomorrow.

I can't do anything today that's not by the computer. I basically camped out in the dining room, putting cleaning my room off until hold. I brought the CD's I bought in here along with my journal. Only to get up to (finally) mail her a birthday gift, to get food, to pick up my sister, and to drop her and my mom off at school.

I can't keep thinking about this, but I can't leave the screen. Maybe once I know she's all right I'll relax. All I know is I feel selfish sitting here at the computer when I know she and her family and her boyfriend and her friends are all suffering. I recommend you head over to the respective guestbooks of Claiborne and Influence and send a little support and love their way.

All that comes to my mind is this song that was the first one to come on the radio today.

Jason

I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath that's true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
You live your life
You go in shadows
You'll come apart and you'll go black
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what's not there

Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it's strange you never knew

A stranger's light comes on slowly
A stranger's heart without a home
You put your hands into your head
And then smiles cover your heart

Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it's strange you never knew

Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it's strange you never knew
I think it's strange you never knew

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