November's/December's theme:"We diverge and I collapse into my bed/And you are shoved awkwardly into my head" A Separate Lid Behind Closed Eyes

notes | profile

mail | host | older I random entry

Jason recommends the album, American Weekend by Waxahatchee

Extra doses and double shots - December 13, 2021
Half a life ago - December 12, 2021
Buggy - November 27, 2021
When We Two Parted - November 25, 2021
Catfish - November 22, 2021

July 10, 2001 // 8:28 a.m // You learn something new everyday

Money in big jar from yesterday: $339 not including pennies and $10 in $1 coins.

To Katie, who signed my guestbook with: "your life is fun to read. i wish i could be that cool. i'm not, but i think i can get by from reading your diary." You made me feel good with that. I love reading things like that in my guestbook. It's not likely, because my entry's are little more than inside jokes and poorly told stories. Plus, your name is Katie, which is a name that haunts me, but is one of my favorite names.

Straight from CrushLink:

This hint gives two tidbits about your crush's

email address in the form username@domain:

Crush #1's email address

the username contains 8 or more characters

the domain is different from your domain

For example, if your crush was, then your hint would say:

Crush #x's email address

the username contains 8 or more characters

the domain is different from your domain

Now it's time to add more

people to your CrushList!

So now it's just a load of crap, because unless they got my email address from someone I know, they wouldn't have it. And why do I follow these stupid things anyway? Is it because there is some chance Pea Soup Girl, MG, Polo, or 2 N's has a crush on me?

We went through that scenerio last night. If you were perfectly happy in a relationship with someone, and your dream boy/girl came along, would you walk into that relationship and break up with the other?

In one word, no.

In a paragraph, if someone has been sweet enough to stick by me for any length of time, it wouldn't be right to dump them if your four year crush came along. As always, G agreed with B on that point as well as the fact that they'd rather have a boy first, then a girl. I wouldn't want my oldest child to be a boy. The only I would is so that he could protect his younger sister.

This branched off into a long conversation about how much to two of them want families soon, which led to me thinking, a) B just turned 18 less than a week ago and b) G isn't 18 until November (the date he isn't even sure of. More on that later.

I also thought of Lyndsy, two kids and a divorce at 19.5 years of age, just graduated Tiffany's marriage this summer, Melanie's marriage, Diana's marriage and child Glenn's marriage, Domo's now in the Marines and that Ramon will soon be in the Air Force. So with the exception of Domo and Ramon, I feel the rest have thrown their lifes away, because I know none were ready to grow up. At 18, some of them even felt the local pressure of "start dating at 16, get married at 18."

In a Breakfast Club-like moment, out of nowhere, G began telling us this tremendous story about a double life he has lived.

But you cannot tell anyone.

Last summer, after six years, he told me his real name. This summer, we learned much more about him. It was the closest I've come to crying in a year.

The story briefly: For as long as I've known G, or Gurpreet or Rinku or Xling or Ricky depending on how you know him, he's told you he has a mom, a dad in Seattle, a brother nine years older than he, and a birthday of November 4th.

Last night, we found out the truth.

His given name (as far as I know)is still Rinku. But his 'brother' is his cousin. His 'mom' is his aunt, his 'dad' in Seattle is a relative. The real story is as follows...

G was to leave India in July of 1994. His mom was eight months pregnant, and wanted the best for her only son. His cousin, who was close to the family, but not close enough, lived near or with them. One day, his mom went to the hospital experiencing labor pains. When they returned, he saw his cousin crying. When he asked what was wrong, his cousin (remember, we've known him as his brother for years) said that his mom was dead.

This brought an "oh my God" out of me, by instinct.

They carried his mom's body into the house. The doctors said it was a blood clot. The point was he saw his mom die right before his eyes. He had no pictures with him to take to America, and now in order to come, he had to lie to authorities, changing his birthday from Christmas day to November 4th. His aunt became his legal guardian. His cousin, who has been mean to him for years, saying things like "I wish you were never born" and "things would be better if your mom hadn't died." Now I can understand why he doesn't like his cousin. He applied to go to the U. only because he could live at home, and so he wouldn't have to leave his mom (his aunt) behind with his cousin. If he was at Weber State with me, he wouldn't have this problem, so he may apply there for Spring semester. I think the main reason B is applying to SUU is because is four year crush Lindsey is going there. If he did have a girlfriend, he'd ditch her in a second for her.

But the story accompanied with the huge rainstorm we experienced sitting in the car just above the capital in our traditional spot.

So where do we go from here? None of us know. I was able to do some thinking about my own life, in the two hours I was speechless while he was sharing his story. About how I haven't had it even as close to as bad as he has. My parents are alive, married, and here. How the most tramatic thing in my life is everything that happened between T.E.N.T and I. G and I both need therapy to deal. He with the fact that he doesn't feel that he belongs in America, me because I feel I'll never be able to trust, date, or be a companion to someone as long as the memories of T.E.N.T are there.

Thanks for listening,


Previously on Apexsensatin : Now on Apex : Apex Archives : Next time on Apexsensatin