May 12, 2002 // 8:41 p.m. // ...From here
There's everything that has happened before today, and everything from here on. There's still an uneasiness less than 24 hours after telling G the prologue to this long story hidden from my friends for a great while. It's almost confirmed that he, and probably B now are reading this. I found a Google search for "Guppy Apexsensatin" among my page views. This is for them just as much as it is for all of you. Finally I can deal with this tremendous weight, even if it means unwillingly giving up the whole openness but anonymity of having an online journal. So...yeah. All I want is honesty and support right now. Not someone telling me what I'm thinking is wrong, or questioning me about my actions. I have questions. I want answers. I just feel so lost right now, that I don't even know where to begin. There was some odd comfort in having that familiar waiver and shake in my voice last night that only comes when I'm scared as hell to say something or on the verge of tears. Last night/early this morning it was both. Waiting. The waiting is the hardest part. The first conversation that I think will either make or break me. Oh yeah. And no vagueness. I'll have to lay it all out on the table, and they'll have ways of confirming my stories. But the relief or saying what until this morning had only been said into a tape recorder may be all worth it. P.S. 1445 hits today by only 16 unique users? Oh come on. That's ridiculous, even if you're Bobby or Andrew. I had 130 on the 10th, and I was amazed by that. But 1,445? Ridiculous. Last time on Apexsensatin : Now on Apex : Apex Archives : Next time on ApexsensatinI almost feel that today is my turning point, ironically three years to the day after another turning point.