May 18, 2002 // 11:24 a.m. // Drunks rule

Oh yeah, my comedy? I'm on top of my game when I have drunk people as the targets. I believe you deserve a brief cast list before I begin...

Nicole: 15 or 16 year old girl, who I've never seen sober in the two weekends we've hung out.

Shanna: New to the area, and currently attending my alma matter. Repeats herself.

Walla Walla: Now I really should have wrote a Weekend Update last week, because although she's somewhat attractive, she got on my nerves. Yes, we (I) call her Walla Walla because she acts like Tonya from The Real World. On first glance, appears high maintenance.

Woody: Will fall for any girl. Any. If a girl talks to him, it's an instant crush. This famous passage from Ferris Bueller's Day Off describes him best:

"...has never been in love -- at least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work."

Refer to that often. It may come into play later on.

G called and said dinner was on him, and asked where I wanted to go. For once, I was honestly clueless. Since he said he was paying for dinner, I assumed he meant an actual restaurant and not fast food. After picking me up, (in his car when it honestly should have been my turn to drive) we headed to a restaurant and ate.

And why is he paying?

Because the date of his trip to India slipped my mind temporarily. I had totally forgot that he was leaving soon. He'll be gone the entire summer (or two months or something) and he's going alone. He's also going to attempt to sell his Jeep, in favor of a luxury car.

The dinner had that whole, "goodbye" feeling that you'd think one would experience at graduation. I never really had that feeling then. It was almost like a last dinner ever kind of vibe. At this time, G made two brief requests:

1) Pick up the Eminem CD for him when it comes out on May 28th.

2) Bid on this item for him on ebay. Yes, the Undertaker obsession is truly out of control.

He'll be in Germany and India on this trip. He'll be flying for a full day. It'll also be hot. "84 degrees at 6 a.m." he told us.

After dinner, we headed up to a "party" at Nicole's house. At this time, we realized that Woody and Walla Walla were flirting (the alcohol speaking, Walla Walla?) with each other. Most of this flirting took place on Nicole's huge trampoline. I couldn't help making a "look at the tramp on the tramp" comment to G, who was standing next to me observing the wash of drunkenness around us.

And...yeah. Nicole (perhaps growing nauseous from the bouncing on the trampoline) climbed over to the edge, and even remembered my name. The thing is, I don't even remember telling her what it was.

"You're an Aquarius, right?"

"Yeah. I'm surprised you remembered."

"Oh yeah."

All four or so cars and 15 or so people headed to the same crematorium that we went to last week. This "crematorium" looks like a giant pottery kiln or an ancient Native American building. Since it's in the mountains just off of a main road, we had to hike uphill to it, and here's where the teasing began.

Nicole, (who although nearly stumbling drunk) called out my name. She high fived me with the hand sans drink, and that high five somehow led to our fingers being interlocked and a brief session of holding each other hands.

Very brief. But before I knew it, she was complimenting me on my hair, asked if she could touch my hair, and just as quickly as it began, it ended.

Little did I know, G and B heard this whole conversation.

"I'm proud of you. I haven't seen you do that since...high school." "What. It doesn't mean anything." "I know, but that's good for you."

G and B seemed to think that pulling a drunk sixteen year old up a hill was a big thing to me. There was no thought of a crush in my mind.

We all hung out at this cool building (I so need to snap a picture) and after we got bored, we headed back down. Once again, Nicole was too drunk to do much of anything, so she called out my name, and grabbed a hold of my arm. When I started walking too far ahead of her, she'd grab my arm again. There was no attraction to Nicole. I cannot stress this enough. For some reason, they think that when Nicole yelled out, "I need someone to make out with!" she was specifically referring to me. Sure, my last kiss was three years ago, but I'm not going to kiss a girl that is a) drunk or b) approx. my sister's age. After telling this to G and B, they finally laid off the subject.

But for posterity, Nicole's conversation with me went like this:

"How old are you?"

"20." "Do you go to college?"

"Yes."

"What's your major?"

"Communications."

(and this question makes no sense) "Are there any girls in your class? (long pause) or have you not taken any classes yet?"

"I begin taking them next year."

"You should talk to my mom. She did that. Just kidding. (I assume 'just kidding' about talking to her mom) I like your hair."

"Thanks."

"Did you drink last time?"

"No."

"Why not? Were you the designated driver?" (and how shw said 'designated' without slurring her speech is beyond me)

"No, I just don't drink."

"That's good! Are you Mormon?"

After she got down to the bottom safely, Jesse, Walla Walla and I went back up the steep series of hills to retrieve Shanna and her boyfriend or make out partner. After seeing them slide wrecklessly on the unsteady gravel, I took it upon myself to run up the incline to grab Shanna's hand before she went too far off of the edge. And our conversation went like this:

"What's your name?"

"Jason."

"Do you go to East?"

"No, I did."

"Oh. You graduated?"

"Yes."

"I'm new here."

"Oh."

After making sure she made it down safely, (and after hearing Nicole tell me the specifics of my birth sign) we headed back to her house, where I searched for my wallet in the backyard (I thought it had fallen out when showing off my ability to walk on my hands) for approx. fifteen minutes. After finding nothing, I headed back to the front yard, hoping that I had left it at home and that no one had picked it up.

Just before leaving, I had another conversation with Nicole and Shanna (the conversation with Shanna was exactly the same as the first, except she complimented me on my hair and asked if she could run her fingers through it.) Who am I to complain? I was happy that I was receiving a lot of attention, but again, there were no feelings toward either girl. How low do you have to be to take advantage of a girl in a drunken state?

The Oddities� headed to the East High parking lot after going to 7-11 (where I ran into an ex-creative writing compadre) and talked about G's trip. This lasted about ninety minutes, and after coasting down the 800 South hill at speeds of 60 miles per hour, we arrived home at about three this morning.

We likely won't hang out tonight. It appears G is busy w/ India stuff and unless the rest of the crew gives me a call, I'll be getting at least seven hours of sleep tonight. Thank God. Because sometimes, a boy just needs some sleep.

Jason

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