May 27, 2002 // 11:34 a.m. // Issues with May 27th
May 27, 1997 "I hate to be the bearer of bad news." "I'm sorry." "I'm going back to my old boyfriend." May 27, 1998 "Will you go out with me?" "He's cute." May 27, 1999 "Do you want to get married?" "I'm sorry, Jason. I can't leave the group." "The drama department and I are going to Star Wars." "So, what. I'm not invited?" "Will I be missed?" "You've changed too much." "But she'll know she made me cry." "You only talk to me when the drama kids aren't around." A 12 page poem. A 20 page journal entry. May 27, 2001. "What the hell?" (horn honk) "Mom, dad, G got in a car accident. We're fine." "Yeah he's drunk. Is he moving?" "Clean all that stuff out of your car." "We all saw it. We'll be witnesses." I've never dealt well with May 27th's. Breakups, new relationships, fights and accidents, cancelling vacations to be with the girl you love only to be rejected not once, but many times. Fake marriage proposals. Losing yourself in something different, something to distract you. Hoping to make her jealous. Yelling into a tape recorder until the tape ran out or the batteries ran dry. And before 11 a.m., we add May 27, 2002 to that list. To quote Chris Isaak, I "did a bad bad thing" in a moment of frustration. Actually, two, and until today, responses to these things both sat in my inbox unopened. It hurts me that people can trust me with so much, and that I can ruin it by doing something that I thought was right at the time. May 27, 2002. This may in fact be worse than the one three years ago. And it's barely 11 a.m. My friends are all out of town or at work. I can't call them up and tell them what's going on. I'm left with one person I can tell and it's the person I'm having the conflict with. The person who I want to hear tell me it'll be okay more than anything in the world is gone. Temporarily, but gone. So I'm in a state of limbo right now with no clue what to do. To make things worse, I heard something yesterday that upset me and I cried like a baby. I cried openly and over the phone. I cried for the first time in more than two years. I cried into my Army shirt, the T.E.N.T. shirt, and remembered that the last two instances where I cried were because of her. And as much as I dislike and cannot stand T.E.N.T., it made me want to drive over to her house, repair things, and tell her that I want her. I didn't, and don't feel wanted right now. Maybe it's that need to feel wanted that I constantly have. Maybe because I want to talk things out with her two years after I last saw her. I'm wearing the Sadie's outfit. The Army shirt, the very faded jeans with a tear in the knee. I'm looking for the receipt from that night. I'm suddenly wrapped up in thoughts of the very girl I tried to banish countless times. I want to look at photos of her, glance at her handwriting, remember how she sounded, how I was in love, and how she didn't love me. I need to feel loved. I don't feel loved right now. I know I am, but I'm not feeling it. It makes me want to get smashed and feel lost with the first girl I saw, or T.E.N.T., whichever came first. I wanted that because it's May 27th. And I just upset someone before 11 a.m. Jason Last time on Apexsensatin : Now on Apex : Apex Archives : Next time on Apexsensatin