May 16, 2002 // 7:08 a.m. // Tripped Up
"Lucky dog." "But he won't have money for school this fall." And it's true. I won't. As of right now, I have no money for school, which means (at least) a summer job. My dad has money in the bank for me, but he's the same way I am. He doesn't want to spend it. Maybe he honestly forgets he even has it. But perhaps it's because neither one of us are big fans of the whole, "let your parents pay for your education." I walk the WSU campus, and I see kids in $10,000 cars with no tuition worries. And I get bitter. That as a result of being teachers, my parents are not only stressed out all of the time, but they also are paid less, and only pull in paychecks nine months a year. If they don't plan well, the family is in trouble. They have to store money away for summer. I'm not a big fan of finding a job. I wanted to take a vacation this summer. I wanted to go somewhere and not have to worry about the petty everyday problems. I wanted to take a vacation alone this summer. Not with the Oddities. Not with the weekend crew. Not with anyone. Just myself. I need that release. But as it stands, the best I could do is a trip in the next few weeks. Beyond that, it'll likely mean working. And I want to talk about T.E.N.T. and Angie. Just because it seems my life is one big pile of nerves and crushes. Past crushes. Crushes I shouldn't have. And there goes Jason again. His eyes are watering. If I were speaking right now, you'd hear that shaky wavering that is so endearing to me. You'd think I'd hate that, but I enjoy my voice most when it has that uncertainty. I don't like the whole thing where I let my eyes water and then suppress it. I'm doing it now. And as always, it relates to crushes. All I want to do right now, is lose myself in music, or find someone. Or both. To feel comfortable. To feel loved. I know I am, but am never told it. I guess a boy just needs to know sometimes. Someone tell me the good qualities. Because I don't like going out of the house on the weekend with that, "I'm about to get stomped on" feeling. And now the eye watering is gone. I've suppressed it for a second time in 10 minutes. Maybe because it's 6:48, and I realized it's at least ten minutes until my family leaves for their respective schools. Maybe after they leave. Maybe not. She sums up what I'm feeling. Perhaps it's best I stop now. I couldn't honestly tell you one thing I've said or written for the past week or two. I'm so lost right now. I don't even know what to think. It's all a jumble of the same topics. The same dramas. And while I have a song in mind that could have summed up what I said here better, I didn't use it, as I'm not a big fan of quoting songs, and have only done it lately because I haven't had an unbiased thought for days. I want to be out of this spring depression. I want to fast forward to September, because the worst of the crush stuff occurred from March through August. Every year is a series of "anniversaries" of sorts that I do not allow myself to move past. But I won�t let anyone tell me to "get over it." His eyes are watering again. That they are. Last time on Apexsensatin : Now on Apex : Apex Archives : Next time on Apexsensatin"Look at sonny." Life of leisure.