I'm so glad that I wait until after I've calmed down to compose entries. Then again, at times like this, I'd rather compose my thoughts while I'm fully charged. With that said, let me take you back to last night...

The first sign of a bad night came when I found out that for the third time this season, I had successfully set the timer for SNL, but had kicked the cable loose as I left the house which cut out the reception.

The first conversation we had in the parking lot at the U related to me. When the conversation starts about me, it soon turns ugly. I wasn't necessarily ridiculed, but felt low as they kept recounting the four bittersweet date dances that I went on during my senior year that didn't even end up in a walk to the door, let alone a kiss or hug on the porch.

Of course the segue into this conversation was JM, homecoming and the date of mixed signals.

It really pissed me off how they talked about paying three dollars for the bowl of fruit would have been worth it had "I got some" on the date. First of all, I wouldn't have slept with JM. Or any of them for that matter. With most of them, the date was so corroded by the end, I didn't even want to walk in to school on Monday to see them. It's always toughest when a date goes bad and you have to sit next to them for anywhere from a month to three months afterward. So when they get conceded and full of themselves with confidence that they can get any girl they want, I just bring up the fact that they never date and are just as vulnerable and chicken as I am.

So the bad part of the night is out of the way, right? Wrong. We got in a mini argument over something I can't even remember at 7-11 that led to me not talking briefly. Actually, I can remember. It was about music, and I told G that 90% of the CD's I listen to in the car when they're there is not what I want to hear. "Would you rather be listening to Weezer?" he said demeaningly. He said this while we listened to the same music and the same CD's we listen to every week. I'm wondering if he knows how to open his CD changer because I swear the same CD's have been in there since April.

As we came home, something else was said about me being insensitive and apathetic (my word, not theirs). I believe I'm much more caring than they are. It's a shame they never see "the boring me" which is the real me. It's the side of me you see when I'm with anyone but them. Ask Britt, she knows it as well as anyone.

And as far as going on dates? Maybe it'd be easier if they didn't always belittle me by rubbing former crushes and dates in my face. A big part of my lack of confidence is due to them.

I almost challenged them to break me down. They asked if they thought they'd be able to, I said no, so they continued to pull every dirty trick out of the hat to "break me down." They made fun of the time I fell off of the bar at the U of U after they dared me to walk on it. They made fun of me not asking out Randi. They brought up the incident last February that led to me paying a huge fine when I wasn't responsible. They did everything but mention T.E.N.T. and Angie which would have spilled everything over the top. The coup de grace came when they skillfully played Mariah Carey's "Breakdown." The lyrics that hit the hardest were:

"But in reality I'm slowly loosing my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile
gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry"

It's pretty descriptive of how I felt. "Butterfly" comes on.

"Do you think you'll ever love someone so deeply they'll become your life?" G asked me, quoting the songs first line.

"Yes."

Suddenly even for answering yes to that I'm a pussy. So much for their "sensitivity."

I'll wrap this up quick.

For the millionth time,(or at least for the seventh or eighth) they wanted to do something to Shay's house. They walked into her yard while I sat in the car. The same thing at Trish's. Here's an idea. Next time they TP your house, *pay no attention to it!* There's a crush that B can deny but we see.

By the way, we switched from taking his (G's) car to mine after they probably feared getting busted themselves. More "sensitivity." Plus they wanted me to get the key to my old car which is the same as Shay's to see if the key would work. They wanted to open the car to fill it with leaves. Breaking and entering, trespassing and immaturity. Which one of these is the biggest crime?

I'm pooped. Game over. This week due to the six CD's I plan on buying on Tuesday, a different artist every day in the random lyric category.

Random Madonna lyric:

"And I'm not sorry
It's human nature
And I'm not sorry
I'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me

You wouldn't let me say the words I longed to say
You didn't want to see life through my eyes
You tried to shove me back inside your narrow room
And silence me with bitterness and lies

Express yourself, don't repress yourself"

Human Nature

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